is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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