I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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