Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
