Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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