your parents love me but you hate me
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
