it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
