You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
