I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I didn't notice because vodka
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
