i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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