You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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