life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
