I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
