Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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