Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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