I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
