This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
