Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
