just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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