it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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