My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We had sex on a dog bed..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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