Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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