theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
