what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
BRING THE BAGELS
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
