i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
