I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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