I'm going to jail i love you
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
