If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This is my gift to your gina
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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