So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
