You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
