I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
