I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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