How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
