Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
