Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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