i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
