I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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