i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
