When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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