I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
