No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
