If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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