If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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