Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
