god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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