a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
