Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My vagina just recognized that song.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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