i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
