If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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