Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
