i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
