I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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