when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
