1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
